The following post takes place between 10:55 and 11:15 pm on Jan 31...

If you like 24, you'll like these Jokes. If you don't like 24, Jack Bauer probably knows, and your coordinates are being uploaded to his PDA at this very moment. Props to Tyler for passing along the jokes.

• Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
• When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
• You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
• Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
• If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
• Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
• Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
• Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
• Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
• Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
• Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer helped U2 find what they were looking for. (That one is for you Cami)
• Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.
• If you know something Jack Bauer doesn't, chances are you don't have any fingers left.
• If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Three words: Watch your back.

I don't even know what they're singing about.....

So, I setup a slide show for KC's birthday party. I used some Hawaiian music for the soundtrack. One of the songs has wedged it's way into my soul forever. I love it...it takes me to a different state of mind, relaxing me. It's by "Hui Ohana" and is called "Sweet Lei Mokihana".

You can listen to it here.

It's part of this balanced weblog post.

#103. Once I engineered a slideshow for my Brother in law, and the music from it changed my life.

The Gully of Doooooomommm...

Edit: I went back this morning and took this picture. Hard to believe that this peaceful road would be the scene of so much chaos and carfusion. (end edit)

So, it's almost February and we finally have our first snow! We've been enjoying such warm weather here in Maryland lately. Actually, I haven't been enjoying it. It should be cold in the Winter where it's supposed to be cold. And no, I don't think so-called Global Warming has anything to do with it.

Anyway...so it's snowing cats and dogs today, and started to "stick" after a few hours. So, the melty part turned into ice, with snow on top. I had some home teaching to do, and against my better judgement, I went for it. My little rear-wheel-drive pickup truck did great in the show...if you like sliding all over and doing donuts, which I do.

I made it only a few miles from my house when I realized the trip was folly. I found myself at the top of a hill, on the far side of a small gully. I saw the road getting hilly, so I called the whole thing off. Now...how to get home.

I was at the top of the gully which was pretty steep, and pretty long, planning my attack. I realized a van had been sitting there for a while. I walked over and talked to the driver. Sure enough, she was STUCK! I pushed, and joked and put her at ease, and coached her on how to get out of the gully after she was back on the road. She made it out.

I tried, but got stuck at the bottom. While I was thinking of how in the world I'd get out, a few cars tried, but got about as far as I did. So, as they spun their tires, I jumped out and pushed! They slowly...slowly inched up the hill as I pushed.

This story is getting too long. I'll sum up.

More people came, and more people got stuck. Some ran into trees, and eventually everyone either gave up, or made it out. I was able to kind of rock my truck up and back until I was (again) on the far side of the gully. I got all the speed I could and went for it! I baaarely made it over the top of the other side. Phew!

The whole thing took about 45 minutes, and was actually quite enjoyable.

102: I helped several people out of a gully, and did some donuts in my truck, all in one night.

100 things...

My sister posted a weblog entry that contained "100 things" about herself. It's fun to read, and and I thought it would be a nice challenge for me to try it. If it sounds like bragging, it probably is. It's really just therapy for me. I feel like this like a pop-up video version of my life. It's pop-up mattio.

I'm not sure I even know 100 things about myself...so if you find any errors here please submit them to our fact-checking department, and they'll respond with in 1-2 business days.

So, here we go.

1. I've spent exactly 45 minutes in New York City.
   
2. I've been addicted to listening to books on tape/cd/ipod since I was a young teenager when my dad would bring them home from work. I listen to about 1 a week. I think my first book on tape was The Pelican Brief, by John Grisham.
   
3. I'm 6' tall exactly.
   
4. I put sea-salt in the water I drink.
5. I rarely call my son Jackson by the same name twice in a row. Substitutions include variations of Jackerson, Jackinson, McBlackson, Blackie, Dude, My Man, Your Majesty, Sir, Doogle, and anything ending in "ster".
   
6. I carry a man bag (a purse).
7. I have to talk myself into going to bed every night. I'd rather stay up.
8. I try to talk to at LEAST one of my siblings on the phone every week.
9. I talk to one my parents on the phone almost daily, and always look forward to it.
   
10. I don't watch any reality TV shows. Ever.
    
11. I have a "poison list" of so-caled "celebrities" that I will not tolerate. If they come on TV, I rub my hands over my ears and say "lalalalalala". I turn over magazines at the store. I leave stores. I close web browsers. All to avoid people on the list.
    
12. I love taking pictures. I feel proud when other people use my pictures.
13. I miss Kansas.
14. My wife knows all the girls I previously dated.
    
15. I was the first "Mr. Viking" at Pleasant Grove High School. But I was a band nerd who would not normally get nominated. We had to campaign a little to get people to vote to nominate me. In the end, it was me against a bunch of football players. The next year, a football player won. The school recognizes him as the first Mr. Viking.
    
16. I burned my hand pretty bad just now on some super hot water at work. I have ice on it and am typing with one hand.
17. Studying Computer Science at the UofU was the hardest thing I've ever done.
18. I click on those links on the internet that say "Click here to get (whatever) for free." and I get those things for free. So far: Ipod, and Digital SLR Camera.
19. My best friend was in a coma for 3 months.
20. I don't feel comfortable when my internet connection is down.
    
21. I can read, walk, and listen to music at the same time. I perfected it while in college, walking between classes, and to the parking lot.
    
22. I will never own a new car. It's a life-goal.
    
23. In High School, I was the only boy on the schools Winterguard.
    
24. I recently saw Rod Stewart at the Superfresh (the local supermarket.)
25. I feel lucky to be in touch and have good relationships with my brother and each of my five sisters.
    
26. I love camping in cold cold weather.
    
27. I polish and wax my car 2-4 times a year.
28. I never missed a day writing in my journal between the ages of 15 and 22. That includes over 1000 pages I wrote while on a 2 year LDS mission. I'm a huge nerd.
    
29. I adore the public library.
30. Once when I was a kid, I was riding my bicycle when the front tire came off. I crashed badly, but no stitches were necessary. I found the front tire about 1/2 mile down the street. (It was a long straight road.)
31. I was the band Drum Major in high school.
32. In 4th grade, a man came to our class, and disected a calf in our classroom. It was amazing.
    
33. My all-time favorite job was working for Peck Construction. Rack me.
    
34. I love buying cords and cables of any type.
35. I collect and use drawstring bags. Any size or type. They're the best.
36. My crew in College went by the name "Team Bitterness." We used it when we had team projects to do, and it stuck. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Travie and I were and are still on the same brain frequency and can often talk without talking. We call it 'cahoots'.
    
37. My favorite city in the world is Elkhart, Indiana. A blue collar town in Northern Indiana. A few miles from the University of Notre Dame.
38. I love to read. I mostly find myself reading Science Fiction. I read a lot of Orson Scott Card, but I also love Dick Frances and Raymond Chandler.
    
39. My favorite film genre is Film Noir, of which my favorite film is "The Big Sleep." (1946)
    
40. I cry in movies. A lot. This one always gets me, no matter what:

    How many bullets are left, Chino? Enough for you, and you? All of you. You all killed him! And my brother, and Riff. Not with bullets and guns - with hate. Well, I can kill too because now I have hate! How many can I kill, Chino? How many and still have one bullet left for me?

41. I put a modchip in my xbox, and use it for a media center. It was a graduation gift from my wife. I'm terrible at video games.
    
42. I also play racquetball.
43. I (still) have a hard time concentrating on things. I get distracted easily, and procrastinate too much.
    
44. I'll celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary this year.
    
45. I've only ever purchased one audio cassette. It was a gift for a girlfriend which I bought in Hollywood, CA. Harry Connick Jr's Blue Light, Red Light.
46. I marched in a Drum and Bugle Corps in 1994. The Maruaders. We went to the World Championships. I was awarded Rookie of the Year for my Corps. The next year, they folded. My wife also marched in a Drum Corps. The Santa Clara Vanguard.
    
47. Since I've been married, I've been to a Disney themepark 6 times.
    
48. I turn on and off my bedside lamp with "The Clapper."
49. I consider myself to be a loyal person. I have friends I'd do anything for.
50. I have an incredibly hard time hearing any type of criticism. I need to get over it.
    
51. I have an Eagle Scout award.
    
52. I once sprained my ankle badly at the top of a 10 mile mountain trail. I hopped the whole way down.
    
53. I try to make people feel good about themselves.
    
54. I have two footlocker trunks full of Beatles paraphernalia that I've collected over the years including over 60 posters, all of which used to hang in my bedroom at the same time.
    
55. I used to get in fights a lot in Junior High. I once was knocked unconscious during gym class. I suffered a mild concussion.
    
56. I can spin almost anything on my finger. Especially flat objects like books, plates, or small tables.
    
57. I have 200 firecrackers in the glove compartment of my truck.
58. I allegedly snore if I'm not sleeping on my side.
    
59. During one particularly bad month as a teen, I wrecked both my parents cars.
    
60. I used to skip school a lot in High School. Many time to go Skiing.
    
61. I enjoy talking to random people I meet. I had a 15 minute conversation with a guy from Nepal in Aldi the other day.
    
62. When I was young..maybe 10 or 12, I shot the window of a tractor out with my BB Gun. I ran to my house and watched as the construction workers came back from their lunch break. I was scared, but went and told them what I had done. They sent us a bill for $40, which my Dad paid, and I worked off.
    
63. My favorite candy is Necco's.
    
64. One of my fondest and most vivid childhood memories is of watching Star Trek (Kirk) with my dad, while eating dried bananas.
    
65. I think that Global Warming is a scam.
66. Nothing drive me crazy more than people parking their cars where there is no parking spot.
    
67. I met my wife at a Band Camp in Normal, Ill. She was 16, I was 17.
68. I tend not to worry about things I have no control over. I like to think that I can roll with the punches pretty well.
69. If I could eat cold cereal for every meal and stay healthy, I would.
    
70. I love stopping at road-side attractions. Worlds Largest anything is always worth stopping for. Always.
    
71. I tap my fingers as if I was playing a trumpet when I'm nervous.
    
72. My favorite Television Show is M*A*S*H. I'd like to have Hawkeye over for dinner.
    
73. I stumble on my words around people I'm intimidated by. I usually try for a mildly sarcastic joke, and it fails miserably.
    
74. I struggle with self esteem, but I can distract myself from it pretty easily by looking at the bright side of SOMEthing.
75. Once when I was a teenager, a friend of mine and I each told our moms we were staying the night at the others house. When we realized what we had done, and wanting to avoid the confrontation, we broke into (read: found the hidden key for) another friends house (they were on vacation) and spent the night there.
    
76. I make a mean Cinnamon roll.
    
77. I can't stand being startled or scared. Instead of being scared, I get instantly mad and defensive. I'm working on it.
78. When I drink a 8oz can of soda, I like to put it in the freezer for 40 minutes before drinking. After doing this, the soda ices up nicely.
    
79. I have a really hard time saying the word 'sausage'.
80. When we owned a house with a pool in Kansas, I did some research and found out how to replace almost all the store-bought chemicals with household ones. The main ingredients were bleach and baking soda. Doing this brought my pool chemicals bill down from about $50/month to about $5/month. That's what I call sticking it to the man.
81. My favorite way to write software is wearing a hoodie, big headphones on with the hood up. It puts me in the zone.
    
82. I was thoroughly disappointed with book the 13th of 'A series of unfortunate events'. I'm trying to recover from the let down. It may take years.
    
83. I love buying things at the Costcos. I wish they sold everything I ever needed to buy.
    
84. I am a Mormon boy.
85. I have an old computer in my house that runs this website, as well as 21 others.
    
86. I think that my wrists are to small, and often wear thick leather bracelets to help with that.
    
87. I took piano lessons for several years when I was young and can still play many songs and hymns. I was eavesdropping on the phone call between my mom and my piano teacher when they decided I should quit. I had to hide my excitement and pretend not to know when my mom delivered the news.
88. Speaking of piano, I once tape recorded my practicing for 20 minutes and played it back twice more to cover my 1 hour practice requirement.
    
89. I've seen my cars speedometer at 100mph.
90. Aside from a cracked collar bone that I sustained during birth, I've never broken any bones.
    
91. I liked the latest Star Wars movie.
92. I don't like it when people put food into my mouth for me.
    
93. I wish I could be a Scoutmaster for the rest of my life. I'm not a scoutmaster now.
94. I secretly like listening to country music, but only female artists. Male country singers give me the heebe jeebies.
    
95. I enjoy crappy sci-fi television.
96. I usually root for the underdog.
97. I don't agree with the death penalty, in any form, ever.
98. I think Spongebob Squarepants is hilarious.
99. I met a woman in the parking lot of the mall recently, and sold her a PlayStation3. It was sketchy.
    
100. I try to always park as far away from any other car as possible.
     
101. (Bonus). I think Chuck Norris jokes are also hilarious.
     

Man oh mango. That was intense.
xo, Mattie

Server downtime tonight...

Edit: Back up! The network re-do was a success. Huzzah.

My site (and everyone else's site hosted on it) will be down tonight for a good while. I'm re-doing the networking at home. No one panic. It'll be back up tomorrow at the latest.

The Christmases: A photo journography

Ladies and Gentlemen... In the center ring.... Presenting: The Christmases!!! In their Seasonal Journography....

The following are photos from our Christmas break from Life, the Universe and Everything. Presented in no particular order.


My roof is waaay up there. I hung some lights, to keep up with the Jonses. In my neighborhood, we're only allowed to use white colored lights. Boring. But that's the country-club mentality of the East for you. Rules, rules, rules.

Jackson, or Jacksons head rather. Watching some teev, waiting for Christmas to get here.


Dude, at this first Basketball game. His team is called "The Rockers."


My dudes and me at work. We got in on the PS3 craze. A bit silly, but we made a few bucks.


We saw family a lot. This is my sister and her man during a fun gingerbread house making party.



My other local sister, and her fam at the Temple. A fun night.


Kevins car asplode....


The Christmas card I sent to my scout boys.


We played with Magnetix at work.


The Temple looked great. The workers and volunteers there did an awesome jorb on the lights.


My sister and her man again. They were Joseph and Mary in this awesome live-action nativity scene at the Temple. We called it KCmatronics.


Me and my love at the temple. Isn't she pretty?


A nice shot of the temple at night.


The boy, celebrating the toyness of Christmas morning.


My Sister and her cute son. He calls me "Mattoo Matt."


My dude putting out the cookies, milk and pennies (his addition) for Santa. He's saying "Cheese" in the style of Wallace (from Wallace and Gromit).



His majesty, with the toys.



My little break-dancer, trying to do the worm. Wearing the Jammies grandma sent him. This is Christmas eve.



The cousins and their finished G-Bread housen.


It was a nice holiday. Of course, my dude got sick with Bronchitis (so what's new!?) This week he had surgery to have this adenoid removed which is supposed to help. With the break and the surgery, we've had a ton of time to hang out and play games and laugh. It's been a nice healing time, and a successful holiday! Huzzah!

I'm a cliche...

New Years is the worst.

I hate going to the Gym. But I hate get/being fat even more. So...here I go.

Wish me luck.

If I'm not back in 90 minutes, call the police.